The 4th Step- Discovery (Entry Level)
A Beginning “Discovery”4th Step
The relationships in your life are no longer smooth and harmonious! You are in a rut and others just will not behave the way you want them to. Change can only come in you. The 4th step is a process of “DISCOVERY”, an inventory, of all the good aspects to your character as well as the defects that require change so that you can have the quality relationships that God would want for you. Many of our personality traits cause friction in our relationships with ourselves, God and others. They can be expectations, withdrawal, avoidance, anger, pride, lust… etc.
In Discovery, we get to the place where we want more from life and therefore more from our relationships. We want more than medicating our feelings by eating too much, watching tv too much , staying busy, drinking too much, daydreaming, just to little bit of feeling better. Good feelings achieved through our methods and those of the world, are always temporary. We want “real joy in living” that lasts and goes deeper. For that we must look at ourselves and clear out our wounded ness and our destructive patterns of relating.
Doing a fourth step helps us to gain an accurate, complete picture of ourselves. It is difficult to see ourselves. In our lives often appearances are more important than reality. We cloak the picture of ourselves in what we want to be. We know what our best self looks like and we project that we are that person. We also excuse much of what we do, who we are, and our reactions and behaviors because of what others have done to us.
The fourth step helps us to look past our self deceptions and distortions. It helps us look at the reality of our behaviors, feelings, thoughts and motives. It helps us get at the truth. The more accurate our fourth step picture of ourselves is the more freedom we gain on the other side.
We are not looking for a “perfect” fourth step; we are looking for a thorough inventory. Over time God will reveal more issues to work on as we continue the process of becoming more like Christ. The goal in “Discovery” is not to do each step one time and be done, finished to move on with our life. In “Discovery” we are looking at ourselves and learning to lean on God and others as a way of life. Learn, lean and clean. Learn, lean and clean! We realize that this fourth step is a beginning. We hope to learn to use this tool to continue to improve our relationships with God, ourselves and others.
Some of you may object to many of the questions posed and you will begin to think that “Gosh, my life is really not THAT bad!” To this reply we say, keep going. Because of the fact that the surface of your life has looked fairly unremarkable you probably have not bothered to look deeper than the surface. Your defects may be buried underneath layers of self-justification and self-righteousness! Remember, willingness to look, is the key! If you think that many of these questions do not apply to YOU, say a prayer of gratitude to God for a “happy childhood”, a good upbringing and an easier life than most. But keep going. This is the very tool you need to uncover some of your blind spots.
PAGE 2 Step 4 Simple
We offer several guidelines as you begin your fourth step.
Work with a sponsor. Life was not meant to be lived alone and you will need someone to help you process the information that you uncover. Work with a sponsor.
Socrates “The unexamined life is not worth living!”
It is often best to think of this 4th Step Inventory as a list. We are listing our wrongs, our feelings, and our motives. Remember that we can’t cleanse what we don’t confront and look at.
As you begin, review the 1st three steps of Discover and ask God for the strength, ability and insight to be fearless and searching. Turn your difficult circumstances and relationships over to God
THE GOOD STUFF
Begin by listing your good qualities and at least five things that you like about yourself.
PATTERNS
Did your parents have healthy outside friendships and activities?
Were your parents able to disagree and have healthy lively discussions?
Were people allowed to have a difference of opinions? Were they allowed to express them? Were people allowed to express their feelings?
What hurts and slights did you experience as a child?
How did your parents cope with life and their responsibilities?
Were they responsible toward work or was work an escape or their source of significance?
Were you good at making friends? Are you good at making friends?
What type of friends do you choose?
Did anyone lie and was it obvious but ignored? Did people say “no, I’m not mad” but you could see that they were furious?
AVOIDANCE
What things do you avoid? Feelings? Situations? People? Topics?
Are you detached in relationships?
Do you have trouble identifying your feelings? Are you aware of your own needs and desires?
Do you try to duck issues entirely?
Are you good at shifting the blames to others/
Do you ever rationalize your behavior? Justify? Do you always have an explanation and excuse for everything you do?
Do you ever check-out of a relationship or situation? Do you withhold love?
Are you silent for long periods of time?
Are you living up to your potential?
Do you sit back and let others carry the load?
Do you laugh things off and pretend that nothing bothers you?
Do you avoid talking about things?
Page 3 Step 4 Simple
ANGER / RESENTMENTS
List all of your resentments. Use the following list to help you remember situations and people with whom you’ve been angry.
Who or what do you have a grudge against?
List anything or anyone you are angry against.
What irritates you?
What are the frustrations you have?
What are your regrets?
Who do you want to retaliate against?
Are you obsessed about anything in your past, present or future?
How far have you carried your resentments? How long do you stay mad?
Do you know what your anger feels like? It might be a knot in the stomach, or a headache, or withdrawal; it might not appear as “rage”.
Do you have anger, frustrations, grudges, guilt, or shame from “anyone” on this list?
Parents mates friends enemies yourself
schools church God government police/jail
Are any of your resentments caused by your ambition or pride?
Was greed involved in any of your resentments?
Did you feel like someone, something, owes you?
Do you think that Life owes you something?
Did you have expectations that someone didn’t meet?
Are your resentments caused by fear?
Did something or someone else interfere with what you wanted?
Did someone let you down?
Did you need something from someone that you failed to get?
Have you expected others to make you happy, content, complete, or safe?
Have you wanted the easy way?
Do you expect others to act or be or do certain things? Do you want them to please you?
Do you give in and resent it?
Do you always want your own way?
What do you do or feel when others disagree with you?
PAIN
What things do you feel guilty about?
What brings you feelings of shame?
When have you felt like a victim? How often do you feel like a victim?
How often do you feel rejected? When have you felt rejected? Do you do anything to avoid the pain of rejection? Are you scared of being abandoned?
Has your safety or security been threatened?
Have you been physically or sexually violated in any way?
Page 4 Step 4 Simple
FEAR/GUILT
Fear at its original form is healthy and protective. Our very survival depends upon a healthy dose of fear. It encourages us to be cautions and in an emergency it generates energy, alertness and strength to handle the situation.
However there are negative aspects if fear grows roots within our heart and spirit. Dread, worry, anxiety, uncertainty, panic and apprehension can all begin to sprout and take over. Fear of not being liked, fear of loss of health, home and financial security can all lead to a slippery downward spiral that takes all joy and spontaneity out of life. To overcome our fears we must first identify them.
List all of your fears. List all of your insecurities.
Do you fear success? Do you fear failure?
What makes you feel inadequate?
What do you feel guilty about?
Are you afraid of conflict? Are you afraid of change?
Are you afraid of expressing your thoughts or feelings?
DESTRUCTIVE “STINKING” THINKING- BELIEF SYSTEM
Do you think of yourself as a martyr and better than others? Why?
Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you experience self-pity?
Do you avoid responsibility? Have you always? Why?
Do you avoid commitments?
What kind of commitments and responsibilities do you avoid?
If you don’t get your own way what do you feel?
Do you try to make others feel guilty and put them down?
What lies do you tell? How often do you lie?
Do you get people to believe things by leaving out parts of the story and information?
Are you sneaky? Do you cheat?
Do you exaggerate your accomplishments?
Do you pretend your accomplishments are “nothing”?
What have you stolen?
When have you been jealous of others?
Are laws meant for others and not you?
Are you careless about money? Are you extremely tight with your money?
Do you think others expect too much of you?
Are laws meant for others and not you?
Do you let others take all the blame and responsibility for disagreements?
Do you expect more or take more from a relationship than you give?
Are you careless about your job?
Do you use your job as an escape or your only source of significance?
Are you the same person at work as at home?
When you have hurts, pain, fear or anger what do you do to make yourself feel better?
What substances or behaviors do you turn to?
Page 5 Step 4
PRIDE
Do you think that you are better than others?
Do you think that others are better than you?
Do you enjoy controlling others?
Are you critical and judgmental?
CODEPENDENCY/CONTROLLING/CARETAKING
Does your life center around other people? Do you try to control events and people?
Are you always the one to apologize?
Do you try hard to be good, do the right thing and please others? Is this at your own expense? Is it working?
RELATIONSHIPS
List all of your inappropriate sexual relationships.
Did you manipulate others to get what you wanted?
Did you allow others to manipulate you?
Did you use sex to get something out of the relationship or from them?
Have you used sex for your own benefit and to gain something from it?
Do you use sex as a tool against others?
Think of any relationships you have in the following:
Family friends co-workers neighbors
When are you intolerant, judgmental, critical, and superior?
Who do you use or abuse?
Who do you put down?
Do you resent anyone else from this list?
1) What do I feel guilty about?
2) What do I resent?
3) What are my fears?
4)In what areas am I trapped in self-pity, alibis, jealousy or dishonest thinking?
