Sex Addict?
Is My Husband a Sex Addict?
By: B.G. Mann
That isn’t just a catchy title, but a real question that many women ask in private. Especially if you know what sex addiction is.
The terms “sex addict” may be new to you. You have heard the terms cocaine addict, drug addict, food addict but never sex addict. You may wonder since sex is a natural part of life, how can you be addicted to it? Well, you can, just like eating food is natural but you can be addicted to eating too much or too little.
You have probably heard of well-known men in public life who have been caught in an affair with their secretaries, or having sex with an intern, or a prostitute. These men could be sex addicts. What you may not know is that if you have found pornography in your husband’s car, on his TV, or on his computer, then your husband could be a sex addict too. Sexual addiction involves a vast range of activities: pornography, strip bars, prostitution, voyeurism, fetishes, obscene phone calls, exhibitionism, indecent liberties such as groping, pinching, tickling or rubbing against another in a sexual way, as well as the perversions of rape, incest and child molestation. Cybersex is one of the newest forms of sex addiction. It often involves meeting in chat rooms and after having some casual conversation, moving on to the more sexual and arranging for a meeting. It can involve using cameras attached to computers in order to practice exhibitionism. It may simply be viewing pictures or video pornography on the computer.
The cornerstone of all sexual addiction is fantasy. Sex addicts think about sex almost constantly. They often isolate themselves and are emotionally not available for their families. Although depression is very common in a sex addict, they can alternate their moods of being depressed or excited. Perhaps you have noticed your husband sitting in his easy chair and zoning out while the children asked him for help with their homework or questions about what was on TV.
Some behavior may just appear as a bad habit. Does your husband frequently stay up late at night to watch TV, or surf the Internet after you go to bed? Does your husband run errands on the weekend and seem to be gone for long periods of time with no really good explanation of where he has been? Does he come home late at night explaining that he had to work overtime, but there is no overtime pay in his paycheck? If you ask your husband where he has been does he get defensive, and angry at your questions? Does he give evasive answers and rages when you press for details?
Does your husband have a job that allows him a lot of time on the road, or out of town? These jobs allow people who want to “act out” to do so. “Acting out” is what a sex addict does when he is in his addiction.
There are personality traits that you may have noticed that are typical of an addict. You may see behind the narcissism and conceit his low self-esteem, or perhaps he only shows his self-centeredness. Is he often irritable and you just assume that he is tired from working too hard or staying up too late. Does he like to tell sexual jokes with the male neighbors or the people at work? Does he always see some sexual innuendo in every conversation? Does he flirt with the women at a party? When you walk down the street with him does he have “the swivel head.” That means his head and eyes are always following every attractive woman and he tries to get a look as long as he can.
There is usually other evidence of a man with a sexual addiction. He insists he has to have cable or satellite to get all the “good” stations. To him, this means the Playboy channel and others that a sex addict shouldn’t watch. Does he seem to spend a lot of money but you have no idea where? Are the charge card bills from companies with unknown names? Are there unexplained numbers on your phone bills or do you see 900 numbers there?
Most addicts have more than one addiction. Sex addicts usually lie or tell half-truths to support their addiction. He may lie even when he doesn’t have to. He may use alcohol, or drugs to lower his inhibitions when he is sexually acting out.
A sex addiction can become very expensive. Is your husband unwilling to account for his finances? Does he pay all the bills and not want you to see them? Have you had to file for bankruptcy, or not understood why all the savings or salary has disappeared?
Sex addicts often go to the extreme in their interest in sex. They either feel that they must have sex at least once a day or they may be disinterested in sex because they are addicted to fantasy and masturbation, or another woman. They may also seem disconnected while having sex, not relating to you or your feelings. Or they may want you to act out their fantasy and watch pornography with them. Don’t go there or you could become addicted too.
There is a cure for this addiction. Both he and you need to recover from the ravages of his addiction. You have suffered hurt, betrayal, and perhaps even embarrassment. He has pain and shame over his addiction and doesn’t know how to stop medicating his pain with sexual acting out. . The cure is four pronged. You need to find your Higher Power – God, and develop a close intimate relationship with Him. You need a licensed therapist, preferably an addiction specialist. You need to get a sponsor or accountability partner with whom you are willing to be honest. You need to get into a recovery support group. I suggest Discovery at Riverside Church in Fort Myers. After reading this article if you feel that you need to have a confidential conversation regarding your suspicions you can call Riverside, 689-9000 and ask for the Counseling Office.
